I've been trying to find a way to articulate what is most infuriating about the current debt ceiling debacle. It's not easy because the infuriating element is almost too obvious and yet so absurd that it doesn't seem plausible that this could be what is bringing us to the precipice of possible financial calamity. Now...forget all about the possible financial calamity. It doesn't matter worth a damn what anyone believes about whether or not world markets will meltdown if the United States defaults on its debt for the first time in history. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. The GOP's apparent willingness to test that scenario is not the problem. After all, one should stand on principle regardless of the possible outcomes, right? No, the problem is much, much stupider than that. An analogy is probably the best way to elucidate this...
Let's imagine a newlywed couple...and just because we can, let's imagine they're gay. (This has absolutely no bearing on the analogy.) We'll call them Dick and Harry. Now Harry is a little on the plump side, as he's a bit of a foodie. He's always been a little thick in the middle, including when he met Harry. Harry doesn't eat less or work out more, but he benefits from a faster metabolism. He's that guy that can just eat everything in sight and never gain a pound. Bastard.
So as the years go by, Dick and Harry eat their way through life. Harry appreciates nothing more than a gourmet meal. Dick gorges on bacon cheeseburgers, bacon-wrapped hotdogs, cheese fries with bacon, and so on. Through the years, Dick and Harry feed each other, literally and figuratively. Amazingly, they maintain their height-weight proportionality over time, though they both have slightly elevated cholesterol.
One day, Dick says to Harry, "Look at you. You're a disthgusthting pig. You have GOT to get the eating under control, you." (It's just a mildly sibilant "s," I assure you.)
And Harry is all like, "Um...I've always been this way. Besides, not only do you eat every bit as much as me, but you're the one who always wants shitty greasy food when I let you choose. Now get over here and give papa bear a kiss, you skinny little queen."
Well Harry has just HAD it with Dick. (Lately, he's even found himself thinking about seeing Marcus Bachmann to get cured of his gayness. Again, nothing at all to do with the analogy.) He wants a change and he wants it NOW.
"If you don't sthop eating stho much and losthe 50 poundsth by nextht Friday," Dick says, "I'm going to sthtart breaking and shitting on everything in thisth housth."
Harry is stupefied.
"But Dick...You live here. If you break and shit on everything, you'll be stuck in a house full of broken things that are covered in shit. Why don't you just leave me?"
"Becausthe," says Dick, "that would totally sthcrew up the analogy."
"Oh," says Harry. "Well, don't you think you might have handled this a little differently?"
"Like how?" Asks Dick. Dick asks.
"Well, for starters," says Harry, "you could stop bringing home triple bacon cheeseburgers with extra large milkshakes for dinner every other night. When it's YOUR turn to make food choices for us, try making better choices...if it's so important to you."
"But I'm not the one with the problem," Dick weakly protests. "Thisth isth YOUR problem, Harry. YOUR problem. Not mine."
"But Dick. Dick, dick, dick. Listen to me, Dick," Harry pleads. "I've always been this way. I'm fine with who I am. I never claimed to be anything other than a big guy who loves food. Plus, when I choose the meal, it usually involves something much more healthful for us than war and tax breaks for the rich...um, I mean other than cheese steaks and french fries bathing in sausage gravy. If you want to talk about our long-term health, I'm more than happy to sit down and have a civilized conversation about how we get our cholesterol down. I couldn't agree more that we need to discipline ourselves a bit, but you can't just barge in here and start calling me a disgusting pig and threatening to break and shit all over everything we own unless I change MY ways by next Friday. That's not cool, Dick. Not cool."
Sensing that he has made some headway, Harry coyly approaches Dick and places his open palm on Dick's chest. "Let's sit down, have a nice glass of wine, watch an episode of Glee, and see where the evening takes us. What do you say, sugar bear?"
Dick closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and imagines the deep, hard, unlubricated ass-fucking he's going to give Harry later that night.
"Sthounds great, honey."
[CURTAIN]
