Happy Holidays?

Of all the controversial opinions I hold, one is received with greater shock and horror than all of the rest. For example, most people - Christians included - can hold their composure when they discover that I am an atheist. And that's saying something! Polls consistently find that atheists are more feared by the U.S. electorate than just about any other group. For example, Americans would elect a Mormon, a thrice-married individual, or a HOMOSEXUAL (gasp!) before they would elect an atheist. So what could possibly be more offensive than my devout disbelief in the existence of a sky god?

Brace yourselves. Sit down and take a deep breath. I'm gonna say it, but I need you to stick with me here and try to get through all of my argument before you wage a holy fucking crusade-jihad-fatwa against me. Do you think you can do that? Okay...here goes...

I believe that our Santa Claus tradition is profoundly wrongheaded and damages children for life.

Whew. There it is. When you're ready to hear the rest, proceed...

First of all, I would simply point to the People's Exhibit A: the abundance of seriously fucked up adults in existence today. I mean, how many perfectly well adjusted grown ups do you know? Be honest. Not many, right? The state of things these days is not so hunky dory that we can afford to rule out any common childhood experiences as possible root causes. But this is an admittedly weak correlational supposition, so let's move on.

We tell our children many stories. Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Little Pigs, Where the Wild Things Are, Horton Hears A Who, and so on. We make believe with them, pretending to be people we're not, pretending to talk to people who are not there, imagining things that can never be. These are all wonderful traditions that stimulate a creative and open mind.

What we do not do in the case of any of those activities is insist that they are true and real and possible. They are not. They have elements of real life to which we can relate. They have important lessons about real life to impart. They make real life a little more wonderful than it might be without them. They are not, however, real life. This does not detract from the delightfulness of them.

When our children complain of monsters under their beds, we sensibly tell them that there is no such thing as monsters. We show them that there are no monsters under their bed. When our children tell us that they want to jump off the roof in an effort to fly, we explain that people cannot fly and that if they jump off the roof they are likely to experience a great deal of pain.

In other words, we encourage imagination...not hallucination.

Except when it comes to Santa Claus.

When it comes to Santa Claus, we go to great lengths to deceive our children. We tell them that on the evening of December 24th, a fat man from the North Pole ACTUALLY goes to the home of every child in the world - flown there by reindeer, mind you - slides down their chimneys, eats whatever goodies have been left for him, and leaves presents under the tree.

We engage in elaborate, stealthy tactics to enhance the legitimacy of the charade - taking our children to see Santa in order to deliver their sacred Christmas lists, hiding gifts for weeks or months, signing tags from "SANTA" (all caps to disguise our handwriting), slinking around the house at all hours of the night to plant the evidence, leaving crumbs of cookie and drops of milk on Santa's plate, and feigning surprise at each present that we knew nothing about until the moment our child unwrapped it.

All in all, it is a pretty impressive performance. It has to be...because our children are not stupid. Anything short of absolute dedication to this rigmarole may create an opening for the child to use the brain that we have been otherwise cultivating for the purpose of realizing how absurd the whole thing is. That would be a tragedy. They must not know until...well, until they reach an age at which we might begin to question their intellectual competence if they continued to buy into it.

So it cannot be denied that we perpetrate a massive campaign of deceit against our children every year. You may think "deceit" too strong a word, but we have to begin by calling it what it is. It may be a well-intentioned deceit. It may be a fun family tradition. It is still a deceit. We tell our children that something pretend is, in fact, real. We stage scenes that make it appear to be real.

We embrace books and films that not only corroborate the deceit, but that attempt to induce guilt in anyone who doesn't accept the reality of the falsity. The famous last line of The Polar Express is a perfect example:

At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe.

So this boy, now a grown man, apparently continues to believe in Santa Claus. The jaded, joyless adults do not. This is the whole point of the story. (One might speculate that the boy is writing this from a mental hospital or convalescent home.) You might be tempted to accuse me of missing the deeper literary meaning - but I challenge you to tell me what that deeper literary meaning is. What is it that the parents have stopped believing in? In the story, it is Santa Claus. A living, breathing Santa Claus. Once they stopped believing, they were unable to experience the joy of the holiday.

Don't get me wrong...I understand why we feel compelled to reenact this bizarre ritual with our own children. Once a year, throughout our childhood, we were spoiled rotten with visits from beloved relatives, music, decorations, chocolates, and gifts! Piles of delicately wrapped boxes of things we had been yearning for. Reality came to a screeching halt for about a week while we gorged ourselves on happiness and egg nog. Gee, I wonder why we feel so attached to the rituals of the season?

But I also wonder what we lost when we realized that it was all a sham. I can't help but think some part of us broke when we found out that it was all a lie. On the surface, we didn't have to deal with it because the gifts kept coming each year. But somewhere deep down, I wonder if it permanently impaired our trust in others. After all, they'd all been lying to us. Sure, they meant well, but how else might they be deceiving us?

We talk about how impressionable children are. We know how much they perceive of what they experience. We know that they internalize the tiniest signals and stimuli. This is not an insignificant part of the childhood experience. I would suggest that the strength of your reaction against the argument I am making is indicative of the strength of the Santa Claus tradition - and that should tell you something about how strong an impact it might have.

As is often the case, Stephen Sondheim said it best in Into the Woods:

Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen

Paterno & The Pedophile

First of all, let me say that I've never given two shits about college sports, except perhaps to note that their influence on campuses often seems unhealthily oversized. That said, having spent about a decade in Pennsylvania, I have a passing familiarity with Joe Paterno's legendary stature - and I agree that this is a sad end to his remarkable tenure at Penn State. I understand the feeling that such a career should not be ending on this note, especially given that he did not commit the actual crimes that are being alleged. If, however, the facts comport with the allegations, I would argue that Paterno and any of his colleagues that failed in similar ways are, in a sense, more guilty than Sandusky.

Pedophilia is a mental illness. The revulsion we all feel at the thought of it is a sign that we are mentally healthy (at least with regards to pedophilia). Sexual attraction to prepubescent children is a devastating sickness of the mind. If a thirty year old has consensual sex with a fifteen year old, they are guilty of inappropriately and illegally breaking social norms, but they are not guilty of a crime against nature. Our society has postponed sexual activity beyond the point at which nature makes the body ready for it. The thirty year old has made a very bad choice and should be punished accordingly. The pedophile, on the other hand, is deranged by an attraction to bodies that have not reached sexual maturity. While the consequences are profoundly more tragic, the attraction itself is akin to, say, a sexual attraction to animals. It is unnatural and deviant. It could only exist in a brain that is not wired properly.

All of this confirmed by a simple thought experiment: Honestly rate your level of physical attraction to, let's say Taylor Lautner circa 2008 (when he emerged in the Twilight movies at the age of 16) or Taylor Swift circa 2006 (when she broke out at the age of 16). Your rating has nothing to do with whether or not you would actually engage in sexual activity with anyone this age. Now - attempt for three seconds to consider your level of sexual attraction to a ten year old. If you are sane and mentally stable, you won't even be able to do it. There is no attraction. There is negative attraction. There is only the desire to protect and care for. This establishes the vast psychological chasm that exists between normal people and pedophiles.

Jerry Sandusky is an alleged pedophile. To that end, he is only responsible for his actions to the same extent that a schizophrenic is. This doesn't mean that we can't or shouldn't hold him accountable. To be sure, he needs to be locked away from society for a good long time. (I would argue that he should be in a mental facility, but that is another discussion.) Anyone of sound mind who is aware of his actions is, I think, more responsible for subsequent actions. If your friend tells you that he is going to kill someone, you have a responsibility to report him. If you don't and if he actually kills someone, you bear at least as much responsibility as he does. Those who failed to ensure that Jerry Sandusky was not allowed to rape children after they knew he had done so in the past bear at least as much responsibility as he does.

"Why couldn't they just let him finish out his career with dignity?" That is a ridiculous question. What dignity? Dignity left the building when Sandusky was allowed back in after someone knew what he had done. If a child has been raped in your locker room shower, you don't sleep until you have given a statement to the police - let alone go about coaching football games with the guy.