Penn & Teller's Bullshit! somehow escaped my notice for eight straight seasons, so I am catching up on the seasons that are available to stream on Netflix. One of the first episodes I watched was "The Death Penalty." While citing the fallibility of human beings (and the government, in particular, in Penn's view) as a primary concern about putting people to death, Penn makes the following off-handed remark: "Now if Google were in charge of the death penalty...I might consider it. The Google kids don't seem to fuck up much." Now I don't think he'd actually consider changing his anti-death penalty position, but he raises a very interesting point about the criminal justice system in general.
Imagine this: When you are arrested for a crime, you are given a choice. You may proceed through the standard criminal justice system, with prosecutors, defense attorneys, a judge, and a jury of your peers - OR - you can elect to let the new crime unit at Google investigate and hand down a binding verdict. The new crime unit at Google uses the most advanced technology known to man. They don't have elections to worry about. They are paid to get it right - and they always do.
Now, consider the following two questions:
1. You've just been arrested for murder. You are guilty. Which option do you choose?
2. You've just been arrested for murder. You are innocent. Which option do you choose?
If you're like me, you choose Google if you're innocent and the criminal justice system if you're guilty. This is not to criticize the criminal justice system for occasionally failing to convict guilty persons. The system was designed to favor the acquittal of a guilty man over the imprisonment of an innocent one. Sadly, it seems to have swung, in many cases, in the other direction, favoring the conviction of anyone, at any cost. It's not that I think I would have a good chance, as a guilty man, of escaping the criminal justice system - only that I would have A chance. More importantly, the Google option would provide an innocent man with a significantly better chance of being exonerated.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Why Weiner Shouldn't Pull Out...of Office
So Anthony Weiner is going to "seek treatment," huh? For what? The human condition? The most prevalent "disease" known to man? The only treatment I know for a man's raging obsession with pussy is death. When will we learn this? When will we stop pretending to be shocked that a man has gone trolling for some play on the side? Better yet, when will we learn that if we'd just get real and stop pretending that monogamy is sustainable, maybe these guys wouldn't have to be so goddamned creepy in their quest for strange?
The GOP's insistence that he should resign is just plain laughable, so I won't waste much time on it, except for a brief recap: David Vitter, who fucked prostitutes, is still a sitting Senator. (Incidentally, Vitter replaced one of the loudest critics of Bill Clinton's infidelity, Bob Livingston, who then had to resign when it was found out that he had fucked women who were not his wife.) John Ensign, who coerced one of his aides into an extramarital affair and then paid her family $96,000 in hush money, only resigned when it became clear that he would not be re-elected and wanted to ensure that the GOP held the seat. These are just the most recent examples of GOP hypocrisy. The GOP has absolutely zero moral standing to make so much as a peep about Anthony Weiner.
As for the Democrats... What a bunch of spineless cowards. First, there's the chauvinism necessary to be blindly concerned, from a political perspective, about Weiner's wife. You may not immediately jump to the conclusion that she was unaware of her husband's e-philandering, that she necessarily disapproves, or that she hasn't been cruising for cock herself. The terms of his marriage are none of our goddamned business. If Ms. Abedin needs comfort, that's a job for her close friends and family. We are fully entitled to have a good chuckle over the unfortunate coincidence (or self-fulfilling prophecy?) of the Congressman's last name, but that's it.
Congressman Weiner...please, please, please do not resign. Do not succumb to this swirling hysteria of hypocritical prudery. Stand up and say this:
It is the repression of perfectly natural urges that causes so much unhappiness. We teach young girls to expect a Prince Charming who, upon falling in love, will never want to look at another woman again as long as they both shall live. Not only does this set them up for some serious disappointment, it completely discounts the reality that many of them will also be unhappy with only one sexual partner. Yes, women appear to be better at sexual monogamy, but this does not mean that they are happier with it. If women cheat less, we cannot assume that it is for lack of desire.
Let's end this charade. Let's stop pretending to be shocked and appalled every time we learn that someone has cheated, as if this hasn't been going on for all of recorded time. It's just embarrassing.
The GOP's insistence that he should resign is just plain laughable, so I won't waste much time on it, except for a brief recap: David Vitter, who fucked prostitutes, is still a sitting Senator. (Incidentally, Vitter replaced one of the loudest critics of Bill Clinton's infidelity, Bob Livingston, who then had to resign when it was found out that he had fucked women who were not his wife.) John Ensign, who coerced one of his aides into an extramarital affair and then paid her family $96,000 in hush money, only resigned when it became clear that he would not be re-elected and wanted to ensure that the GOP held the seat. These are just the most recent examples of GOP hypocrisy. The GOP has absolutely zero moral standing to make so much as a peep about Anthony Weiner.
As for the Democrats... What a bunch of spineless cowards. First, there's the chauvinism necessary to be blindly concerned, from a political perspective, about Weiner's wife. You may not immediately jump to the conclusion that she was unaware of her husband's e-philandering, that she necessarily disapproves, or that she hasn't been cruising for cock herself. The terms of his marriage are none of our goddamned business. If Ms. Abedin needs comfort, that's a job for her close friends and family. We are fully entitled to have a good chuckle over the unfortunate coincidence (or self-fulfilling prophecy?) of the Congressman's last name, but that's it.
Congressman Weiner...please, please, please do not resign. Do not succumb to this swirling hysteria of hypocritical prudery. Stand up and say this:
I. Like. Pussy. Like most men, my entire post-pubescent life has essentially been one long, desperate quest to get my dick wet as often as possible, with as many different women as possible. I have attempted to disguise this fact by pretending to have other interests and ambitions, but mostly, I've just been chasing ass. Why do you think we seek wealth and/or power? Because we like working really, really hard? Ha. Ha! Sorry. We're seeking wealth and/or power because wealth and power make it easier to get pussy. (This episode of South Park says it all.)
I am neither proud nor ashamed of this fact, because I know - and YOU know - that it is completely, utterly, exceedingly normal. It is not something that needs to be "cured." In fact, it cannot be "cured." It is only a failing to the extent that our society has steadfastly refused to acknowledge the simple, natural, biological, physiological, evolutionary reality of the situation, forcing people, in many cases, to lie about it.
Let me try an analogy out on you. Is it really so hard to believe that I can love Italian food above all else, but still occasionally want a little Thai? Should I really have to sneak around to get some fucking spicy red curry once in a while? Hell, I'll even bring it home and share it if you want. And if you occasionally need to get some soul food, I can dig that. (The portions are so generous!) Sure...some caution and moderation are required. One should, for example, stay away from undercooked meat. Also, too much spicy food might get the old heartburn acting up. In other words, common sense is required. All I know is that an occasional diversion makes me love and appreciate chicken saltimbocca all the more.
I am a human being who has done nothing worse than quite a large percentage of you all have done. The public at large may not hold me to a higher standard simply because I am a member of congress. My wife is free to exercise her options. My constituents are free to dump me in the next election, if they so choose, but I will not resign.
It is the repression of perfectly natural urges that causes so much unhappiness. We teach young girls to expect a Prince Charming who, upon falling in love, will never want to look at another woman again as long as they both shall live. Not only does this set them up for some serious disappointment, it completely discounts the reality that many of them will also be unhappy with only one sexual partner. Yes, women appear to be better at sexual monogamy, but this does not mean that they are happier with it. If women cheat less, we cannot assume that it is for lack of desire.
Let's end this charade. Let's stop pretending to be shocked and appalled every time we learn that someone has cheated, as if this hasn't been going on for all of recorded time. It's just embarrassing.
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